DECEMBER 26th
MERE

I was seventeen years old when I figured out that the crap that happens around you doesn't define who you are. It's how you handle it that does that. It was five AM and we'd all been at the hospital waiting room for almost nine hours. Nat was long out of surgery and heading out of recovery soon, but none of us were leaving. I sure wasn't letting anyone tell me to go home. I'm only six months pregnant and in no danger. This is my family and I intended to be there with them.

Family. Hell, it wasn't the first time a family had one of its loved members try to off themselves on Christmas day. Christ, it wasn't even the first time in my life when that happened and I was beginning to wonder if I was a crap magnet. The waiting room was pretty crowded, but it was an odd feeling. When John was hurt in the avalanche we were all so scared. When Riley lost the baby, it was sadness that made the air around us heavy. But this time, it was very different. We were all sitting together but clearly apart. If we were tucked close to our spouse or closest family pal, it was a rather silent show of support. The truth was that we were all sitting alone, thinking it all through and trying to figure out how we were at fault, what we had or hadn't said and what we should or shouldn't have done to prevent this.

Everything about the situation seemed strange. Strange that the only people who had the right blood type for Natalie were the guys and even stranger that the two who wanted to help her most were rejected. We had all gone upstairs to wait for those giving blood when the first to show up to join us was Colin, tears glowing in his eyes. Hando was on his heels. Those proud tattoos had cost them the support they wanted to offer Natalie and it was breaking my heart to see it. The slow trickle of men with Band-aided arms not only made the room more and more crowded, it made it feel all the more uncomfortable. You could tell by the expressions, we all not only thought this was our fault, we somehow knew it was.

John was the only one to have seen Natalie over the last month. She'd technically fallen off the face of the earth for the rest of us. Well, not really. We'd all just let everything that needed to be done in our own worlds become most important. It was far easier to say we were too busy on any given day to leave our lives to save hers, I guess. I covertly watched John from the corner of my eye. He always knew how to connect with Natalie and always had a pretty strong bond with her. No excuse. We all should have been closer to her, especially after the breakup. She'd made it hard but of course she would. I gave up trying to call after the first two weeks. She'd never answer the phone and I figured she just didn't want to talk to me. Should have thought that through better. Hindsight is 20/20. The bottom line is that nobody likes to face the fact that relationships could end. We all want to believe that we've got the best, strongest and most wonderful relationship on earth . . . watching someone else's crumble is just too hard. Makes us think it could happen to us too.

I turned to look at Hando's profile. Sullen, his standard slouch, legs long and deep into the opened space, ice blue eyes focused ahead. There was no way I wanted to face the possibility that I could lose him. I guess I was a little pissed at Natalie for making me see the real life potential for heartache.

And that drama went on and on. Lachlan was the last to give blood and when he joined us in the waiting room, all our mouths dropped. Sigrine not only shocked us, but took our minds from the situation at hand for a few moments. To us - a few surprising moments, but to Lachlan, a life-changing altercation.

Lach walked in and directly to Riley who wouldn't even look up into his face. Just as he was about to kneel at her feet, John's mouth dropped in curiosity and the explosion that is Sigrine ignited.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she shouted and everyone hissed that we're in a fucking hospital but naturally, she didn't listen. "Get away from her and take me home!"

Lachlan squared his shoulders and stood slowly. He turned and glared into Sigrine's eyes. "Are ya bonkers? We're not leaving."

She stomped and paced, arms waving in the air and we all leaned back in our chairs to watch the show. "What does all this have to do with us? My whole Christmas is ruined because Natalie wanted some attention! This has gone far enough. Get away from Riley and come home with me!"

Lachlan didn't move. He didn't even blink and we were all holding our breath. His eyes glared at her but silly little Sigrine didn't seem to get the message.

"Now, Lachlan! I don't care what people think about what she," fingers pointing at Riles, "did or didn't do! Natalie will either be fine or not! It was her choice, you know! She shouldn't be able to interfere with our lives like this! Lachlan," tears began to fall. "Please, take me home now. Come home with me. We don't have enough time for this stupid shit!"

And sweet Lachlan Curry did something that surprised the hell out of me. He's such a soft touch, I expected him to smooth things over, maybe turn an apology to us all and do what she wanted. Guess what? He didn't. Smooth as hell, he pulled his wallet and tugged several bills from it. With a crumble and squeeze, he pressed the money into Sigrine's hand and hissed. "Get a cab."

"You know what this means, don't you?" Her voice was hard as nails.

"Bloody hell, I hope so. Get outta my sight, Sigrine. Go home. It's done."

Her heels clacked all the way down the hall and Lachlan sat in an empty chair, not looking at any of us. It was John who finally broke the mood.

"Guess we need to hire a new front desk manager, honey," he joked, cuddling Riley close and grinning support for Lachlan. Poor John. He was still in the dark as to why his wife was refusing to talk to her best friend.

That's when I blinked and realized . . . she was refusing to talk to any of us. Damn.

NATALIE

The world had fallen away, drifted like the streams of blood along the white porcelain. The sensation of my life being sucked down, pulled toward the drain. My wrists ached but I was sure that would pass. There is no pain in death. No heartbreak or disappointment in death. No sadness or unhappiness. And no failure. Death is a clean empty place. A little cold, I would guess, but void of all the aching turmoil of human existence. Ah, the perfection of choosing to just walk away from living. Why hadn't I thought of it before? Blank. Empty. Painless. And this way, there was no one I could hurt either. It's a perfect win-win situation.

Or is it?

Dying got me away from hurting Colin. I never wanted to do that, but I was strangling. At least I was gone from his life before I bought that paring knife. I bought the paring knife because . . . well, because I was alone. Just like I wanted to be. Right? Dying got me away from feeling unloved and unwanted. Well, not completely unloved and unwanted. I'll miss John. He didn't want me to go. I guess he was the only one who wanted me to stick around just because he liked me. But fuck. Why would the others like me? I'm not all that likeable, and I did break Colin's heart. They are his family, not mine.

And, truth be told, I like the idea of not dealing with it all. Facing how I hurt Colin or how the others really feel about me. Boy oh boy, I bet being dead is a real gem for conversation right now. Hey, maybe they're happy to be rid of me? Now they don't have to feel responsible for calling to convince me to get back together with Col. Now they can brush off their hands, cleaned of any accountability or blame. This was a good thing to do.

Or was it?

I'll miss more than John. I'll miss all of them. And I'll miss other things. If death is cold, I'll miss warmth. And if I have cold, I'll also miss the snow, white and puffy and falling so softly. I'll miss the pines and the birds. God, are those tears prickling at my eyes? Can dead people cry? The smiles, all the smiles, family smiles and stranger's smiles. I'll miss smiles. And the peace that really is all around in life, even though I never really looked for it, I will miss it, miss having the chance to find it. What would have become of my life if I'd stuck around? I passed on a challenge, the biggest one I ever faced! I could have made it all work out, made a life in Vermont or even found a way home to L.A. I just gave up, didn't I? Maybe that's why it wasn't so hard to end it all. Cowards always take the easy road.

And now it's too late.

Or is it?

"Ms. Parker? Ms. Parker it's time to wake up."

Oh! Oh! Am I happy or sad? Whichever, I'm still alive.

COLIN

When I went in to see her, they were still settling Nat into the room. Machines and tubes were connected to her but that wasn't the thing that bloody scared me. It was her face, the look of her. Where had Natalie gone? That beautiful, elegant woman? Where was she? So together and right. So talented. Where was that woman? The one I was looking at looked worse than Terry's descriptions of captives he'd rescued. Pale, her skin almost translucent. Thin. Her cheek bones more prominent than ever before. And her hair! Bloody hell! What had she done to her beautiful hair?

What was once a silky mass of dark brown softness was startlingly different! Short. Died black and spiked with harsh bleached white at the tips. What on earth had happened to her? And how much of it was my fault?

I trailed a finger along her cheek and watched her eyelids flinch. Flinch, like she didn't want me to touch her. Flinch like she had done before. Before she left me. What wasn't I seeing all that time?

I leaned back in the chair and listened to the strange hospital quiet all around me. Rubbed my eyes but didn't give a fuck, let myself cry. Losing her was tough enough, but this? I'm just not built to cope with this so good. To cope with much I suppose. What I had done wrong was suddenly loud as hell and clear as a bell. I listened, but never heard. I smiled, but never looked closely at the response. I touched but never wondered what sensation I should have been feeling in return. Oh we loved each other well enough. We just never connected. How could we? We are completely different animals. Fuck all, how could I ever think I could make it work?

So, this was my fault. I kept her tight, held her close. Encouraged her to be closed to most of the game when we had it . . . demanded that she marry me after the game was over . . . and all out of my own selfishness. Having her and keeping her were my goals. Fuck if I didn't completely ruin her in the process, then.

But now things were different. Now I know I'll never have her again. Can't tell you the moment I finally caught that fact, but I did. Now it was no longer about me getting her back, or about me surviving it all. Now it was all about taking care of what Natalie needed. Supporting her and helping her find her way. And that way will take her further from me . . . but that was okay. At least she'd be alive.

It was hard not to sob like a fuckin' nipper. I had only a few moments with her and they'd be tossing my arse out. No point in wasting it. I took her cold, small hand in mine.

"Natalie, darlin'. I'm here. We're all here. You rest, love. We're all here for you."

RILEY

I couldn't imagine what John had seen. He didn't describe it but was obviously shaken. He held me close and I tried to focus on supporting him, but there were no words. It wasn't until Colin came back from seeing Nat that I found my voice. "How is she?" I squeaked. God, but it was hard not to go to him, to hold him, but of course, under the circumstances I couldn't.

Colin just shook his head.

John glanced a surprised expression down at me then groaned. "So, what's the scoop, Col?"

"Uh . . . they said she's out of danger. Will pretty much sleep most of the day, but they want her to talk to a psychiatrist before we all swoop down on her."

Everyone nodded.

"So," Colin sat, rubbed his temples. "Guess you can all go. I'll call when I hear more."

"I will remain here," Jack said softly.

Lachlan grunted. "I'll stay with ya too, mate."

Hando turned to John. "Can ya take Mere to rest at the Inn? I wanna stay here too."

But before John could respond, Mere was up in arms. "I know how to go home if I need to. I'm not an invalid and I'm not sick. I'll go when I want to."

My husband grinned then glanced at me. "I want to go home, John."

"Okay, baby." He kissed the top of my head and held me close under his arm. "I'll come back in a few hours, after we're sure everything's okay at the Inn. You need anything Col?"

Colin's pained eyes settled on mine. "No, I'm fine."

When John and I turned to leave, Lachlan was standing to say something but I bolted for the elevator. I had nothing to say to him, nothing to say to any of them. Because of their stupid perverted imaginations, I couldn't even comfort poor Colin. It was going to take a hell of a long time to correct how I was feeling. Oh yes, I knew I'd have to get over the insult and the hurt. I just couldn't do it that minute. And . . . I didn't want John to know that half his family thought I was cheating on him.