JOHN BIEBE

There. I did it. It feels like I’ve just cheated on my wife, but with the help of Tracy Wade, I went through everything in Riley’s closet and drawers, everything personal, everything she touched, things that still smelled of her and shouted her personality … and I set those things in piles. Pile number one: what we MUST keep. It was small, but still substantial and I knew it needed a little more weeding through. Pile number two: clothing and shoes, items for Goodwill. Pile number three actually broke into several piles. These little mountains sat on the massive dining room table, the table Riles wanted so badly for entertaining the whole family. Who will cook to feed them all now? Who will invite them? Who will ever celebrate around this fucking table again? Can’t think about that, I have family giveaway piles to deal with.

Pieces of jewelry and clothing, small goofy things Riles loved so much, all these pieces of her life sat on the mahogany surface. I kept shuffling them back and forth. Most of the items were for the women, Mere, Natalie, Jess, Tracy, Kelly, Daisy. I even thought about Sophia and Eva, even though Riles didn’t know them that well. I had a few tiny things for the ladies who work for the Inn, even something for Chef Chris’s wife and LizBeth. While I looked the piles over, I’d shuffle a silk scarf from one to the other then back again. A few things though, simply belonged to certain people.

The pink stone ring for Natalie. The little diamond earrings for Mere. The books were for Jess.

There were a few things for the guys and this is where my head really got fucked up. Why did I have to give them anything? But then again, none of this stuff was mine, it was Riley’s. I closed my eyes and thought real hard. Who gets what, baby? What do you want me to do with these things?

It was suddenly obvious. The scratched up old mood ring for Colin. Love letters written so long ago to Lachlan were his; he could burn them if he wanted or he could keep them and explain things to Jessie – his problem now. The small journal was for Terry. Once I realized it should go to him, I no longer wanted to read what was in it. For Maximus, a strange green carved stone Riles always held when she had to think things through. For a long time I battled with that, wondering if maybe I should keep it, use it, find the same comfort from it. But hey, who was I kidding? It wasn’t me who understood those kinda things. It was Max, so the stone goes to Max.

When I thought I had all this moving-on-and-giving-things-away stuff figured out, it all looked wrong and I started again, only to laugh when I realize all that crap ended up back in the same piles. Maybe I should just call them all together and let them pick what they want? Nah, that just didn’t feel right.

So … one by one I contacted the recipients and asked them over. One by one I handed over slivers of my wife to them, items to love and cherish. When it was over, I actually felt good, like with that done, there were more little elements of Riles floating around and living than before. Yeah, I’m glad I did it.

When I handed Maximus the carved stone he fingered it then looked at me with tears in his eyes.

“Don’t, man. This has been tough enough, Just … enjoy it, okay?”

“I cry not for Riley, my brother. I cry for joy that you are beginning to heal. In four days time, meet with me in the left tower. The moon will be full. We will sit together there at midnight and …”

“And what?”

His eyes twinkled and he shrugged. “Meet me there.”

“Okay.” What else was I gonna say? You don’t just say no to a fucking General.

“What will you be doing in the meantime, brother?”

I actually grinned. “Making plans. I think it’s time I took my boys somewhere, maybe the beach, maybe the Outer Banks. Someplace quiet. We need some serious bonding time before Nathan starts preschool in September.”

Maximus smiled, patted my shoulder like I was a good little soldier then left.

Whatever. It’s too hard right now knowing what’s in my own head without trying to get inside his.

***

Everything of my wife’s is now gone except what we’re keeping. I was kinda surprised that I didn’t miss all Riley’s stuff, although the empty side of her closet is so hard to look at I never open that door. The most important things she left me are still here. The Inn. My children. Everything in the kitchen; her tools, knives, chef toys she loved so much. I thought again about what Doc Kirsch suggested about taking cooking classes. Not a bad idea. Me and the boys gotta eat, right? Michael has teeth and wants to chew, although I really need to pay better attention to what he’s chewing. I need to start paying attention to a lot of stuff. Nine months old turns into a year then five years real fast. I should be as much of a dad and mom as I can be to my kids. And … it’s time to explain it all to them. No point in trying with Michael just yet, but Nathan’s a thinker and already filled with a million questions I’ve been trying my best to avoid.

“Nathan. Hey buddy, come on in here, will ya?” I called. He and Michael were sitting on the floor in the hall outside my bedroom door. Michael was chewing a rubber duck and Nathan was trying to read to him. No, my four year old can’t read yet, but he tries real hard. The amazing thing is that when he flips through the pages, he recites almost exactly what’s there. The super hard part … he mimics his mother’s voice inflections almost perfectly.

Nathan came in and climbed up onto the bed. He watched everything I was doing then sighed like an old man and asked, “Are you going somewhere, dad?”

I slid the suitcase aside then sat beside him. “We’re all going somewhere. I thought it might be fun to go to the beach. What do you think?”

“Ah … no. I have to go to school soon, daddy.” He started to slither off the bed. I caught him and pulled him back up.

“We’ll be back in time for school, Buddy.”

“Still … no … I don’t think we should go anywhere. Michael has too many toys.”

“We’ll pack his favorites. You can help me.”

“No.”

Holding it together, I ruffled his hair and looked into his face. It wasn’t sad, it wasn’t worried. It was strangely blank. “Can you tell me why?”

“We should stay home.”

“We should go on a little vacation, Nathan. Trust me, it’ll be fun.”

“No.”

“You can help me pack.”

“No.”

I sighed. “Buddy, we’re going on a little vacation. We’re going to play in the sand and laugh and have a good time. Do you understand?”

“No.” This time I let him get off the bed and walk out of the room.

“We’re leaving early in the morning,” I called and tossed a few tee shirts into the suitcase.

Ten minutes later I went into the kid’s room to gather their clothes to pack. Michael was sound asleep on the carpet, the rubber ducky still in his mouth. I lifted him and put him in the crib. “Where’s your brother?” I whispered, then slid a light blanket over him and did what I came to do as quietly as I could.

I wasn’t worried. Nathan is a very considerate kid. With his brother asleep, he was probably in the living room playing video games. Since we’d expanded the apartment, it’s almost impossible to hear from one end to the other. I packed and headed for the kitchen. Maybe ice cream would get Nathan in the mood for a vacation.

He wasn’t in the living room. He wasn’t in the kitchen, or any of the bathrooms, or any of the guest bedrooms. Hell, he wasn’t even moping in any of the damn closets. Before I let panic totally take over I used my brain for once. Grabbing the phone, I called Antony in security central control.

“It’s Nathan! He’s roamed off somewhere. Fuck Antony, you see him anywhere?”

“How long has he been gone?”

“Fuck if I know! Ten minutes? Twenty? Half hour! Jesus! Can you see him on any of the monitors?” That panic kicked in, big time.

“Not at this moment, John. Let me send Claudia over to keep and eye on the baby. You start looking around the Inn, I’ll check all the camera activity, live and taped and I’ll alert the staff to look too.”

The second Claudia tapped on the door, I was out of there like lightening. I raced around like a fucking madman. The staff was on high alert, commenting where they’d already searched and where they were still looking. I charged into the kitchen. Sometimes when Riley was in there, she’d take Nathan with her. Needless to say, Chef Chris and Chef Andy were already shuffling around.

“Not here, not in the cooler, not anywhere.”

I rushed through the back door and even looked into the garbage dumpster. I know, I know, but I was so fucking scared, I didn’t know which way was up. Running along the pathways, trying not to frighten an old couple strolling peacefully, I gave a grunted apology and pushed around them. I was at a full run when my cell rang.

“He’s at the pond,” said Antony. “He’s safe. Don’t yell at him, John. The poor child’s crying.”

My heart stopped. Seriously. It actually stopped for a second. When it started again I was standing like a statue, staring at the back of my broken four year old, sobbing on the park bench all alone. What the fuck was I thinking, pulling the I’m the boss card on that poor kid?

Riley? Can you help me here? Please? I prayed silently as I calmed my breath and went to join him on the bench.

Fuck, I wanted to grab him, hold him so tight he’d probably have a hard time breathing. I wanted to yell at him, tell him he can’t be doing this shit to me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to close my eyes and wish I never lost my wife. I wanted so many damn things. I sat still and quiet.

“Daddy?”

Jesus, of course it would be Nathan who starts this conversation. “Yeah?”

“I don’t think we should go away.”

“Tell me why.”

“What … what if Mommy comes home?”

Okay, if my heart stopped earlier, it broke that very moment. No time for recovery, I had to just answer him. I sighed and tugged him to my side then kissed the top of his head. “Terrence Nathan Biebe, you are always gonna be the one to ask the tough questions. Buddy … Mommy’s never coming home. She’s gone. We buried her and she’s gone. But,” I pulled back and looked into his sad blue eyes. “She’s always in here,” a fingertip to his chest. “And in here,” another touch to his temple. “That’s the only way we can keep her, Nathan. Do you understand?”

He cried for at least an hour, until the sun began to set and Antony came out of the cottage across the lake to lean against the porch post and watch for a moment. Nathan had climbed onto my lap and was curled like a terrified puppy. God sakes, I know just how he felt. Exactly how he felt. Then, as the first star whispered white in the pale afterglow, Nathan shuddered then drew in a deep breath.

“So, if Mommy’s inside of me, can I take her to the beach too?”

Now it was my turn to cry.

***

That evening I made the right brand of macaroni and cheese for dinner. Both of my sons went to bed without argument and fell right to sleep. The bags were packed, the car was gassed up and everything was ready to leave first thing in the morning. But … I had one more thing to do. Marla was working the night desk until eleven-thirty and offered to baby sit for me while I met with Maximus.

I can’t begin to tell you how much I didn’t want to go into that left tower room with Max. But I had to admit, I knew he wanted to talk … and I knew I couldn’t be expecting him to stick around until we got back from the beach. Common courtesy alone is the reason I climbed those steps to meet him. Lord knows, my body sure as hell didn’t want to any more than my mind or my battered heart.

He was waiting for me at the door.