COLIN

Can't begin to tell you what I was feeling. Bloody lost, that's sure. And numb. Drinkin' beer to ease the pain had evolved to beer and shots to straight fuckin' shots. Couldn't tell you my plan or even if I had a plan. I had no clue where Nat had gone, or why Riley and John thought she needed time. Time for what? To be away from me? What the fuckin' hell had I done so wrong? I loved her. We'd been together since she'd crossed into our world. Was it my fuckin' fault? I'm the one who wanted to leave the game. I'm the one who wanted to jump off the crazy ride even before John proposed to Riles. Me. I'm the one.

So my idea to live like normal bloody people is the cause of Natalie leaving me? It made no sense. Was it the game that kept us together? Was this my mistake?

Over the past few weeks, I'd try to work, sometimes I'd do it well, but it always ended up the same. Mere's sympathetic looks, Hando's scowl makin' me feel bloody pitiful and I'd run. I bought a case of Irish whisky and locked myself in the empty house. She was gone. How else was I supposed to deal with it, then?

KEVIN

We talked and it hurt pretty bad to do it. We were fucking newlyweds, really. Just two people trying to get used to each other and I was already thinking about way down the road. What I'd be facing if LizBeth's cancer resurfaced. What I'd do if I turned out to be a terrible husband . . . again.

See, having lost my first wife to leukemia wasn't the only tough thing I was dealing with. I loved her so much, but I wanted my fucking career. Even after the diagnosis, I kept traveling and working. When she went into remission, instead of staying close and enjoying those precious few years of relative health, I let my work make all the decisions. And when she died, work was all I had. Here I am, doing it again.

"Chicago?" LizBeth said softly. "For how long?"

"It could be a six month project, honey. But I'll come home most weekends. A few days for the holidays." I thought I'd choke. Not good enough. Not nearly good enough. I'd already accepted the job, never telling my new wife I was even considering it. That secret decision was making things worse and worse. The issue wasn't LizBeth, fuck she's perfect. Beautiful, intelligent and brave as hell. And therein lay the real problem. I sure as hell didn't deserve her.

We'd bought the lot for our own new house, drew up the plans and set the schedule, but even LizBeth, who knows nothing about my work, could feel the precariousness of actually moving ahead with it. No materials had been purchased, no crew hired, no permits bought.

I asked myself often why I was dragging my feet. The answer was simple but I didn't want to face it. I honestly believed that the kind of happiness I wanted with her was not going to happen, so why invest? Why plan? It would be just a matter of time before it all came crashing down, right? Looking into her disappointed face, I figured it was already falling down around my ears.

"Sweetheart, maybe you can stay at the Inn while I'm gone."

"No," she said quickly. "I'll take a place in Burlington, near work. It'll be easier to get to the clinic in foul weather. I don't think I care to become a burden to John and Riles. I can certainly survive alone, Kevin." And she stood.

I couldn't read the expression in her eyes.

"When do you leave?"

"Tomorrow."

She didn't say another word.

JOHN

Okay, we were all a little disoriented. Kevin had left for some mega project in Chicago and LizBeth hadn't gone with him. She'd moved into a nice penthouse apartment in Burlington and buried herself in her counseling work at the cancer clinic.

Colin? Who the fuck knew what was going on with him. I'd called the garage twice, only to get a few choice words and grumbles out of Hando who was obviously working alone. No one had heard from Natalie and I was starting to freak. Where the fuck could she go? She had no other family and very little money. It had been over a week and it was getting harder and harder to keep my promise, leave her be and give her space.

The Lachlan/Sigrine roller coaster continued, but that one always seemed to smooth itself out. Andy and Monna had taken a week in the Florida Keys and returned tanned and smiling. Least I didn't have to worry about them, ay? But the way things were going lately, I couldn't help but look over my shoulder a lot. That and sit at Granpa Luke's grave as often as I could. Maybe he could offer some guidance? Maybe not, but at least it was quiet there. I fucking felt like my whole family was falling apart.

All right, all right, all right. I know what you're thinking. Yes, family means a fucking hell of a lot to me. Maybe more than most people. But think about it. I'd lost my mother when I was twelve. Lost my boys when I was catapulted into this world. Riles and I lost our son. We all lost Bud and Darce. Fuck. I still smelled Darcy's perfume sometimes. Guess that an occasional guest liked to wear Eternity and it always makes me think of her, reminds me of yet another loss. Not too keen on losing anymore family, ay. So yeah, I wanted to see things work out for Kev and Lizzybelle. For Nat and Colin. And yes, it was hard to keep my nose out of it all.

Riles and I were a safe haven in the center of the storm. At least that's what I thought. I trotted up to our suite to retrieve the employment applications we'd been looking through the night before. Thanksgiving was looming and we needed some temporary help to get us through the holidays. Riley was sitting at the kitchen table and just hanging up the phone as I rifled through the folders on the coffee table.

"John?"

"Yeah," I said over my shoulder, expecting her to have a terrific suggestion for front desk assistance.

"I've decided to take a class on Thursday afternoons in Burlington. Is that okay?"

Was it okay? Fuck. Thursday was our only day off together and no, it wasn't okay with me, but what the hell could I say about it. I sat at the table. "What kinda class?"

"Um, 'Better Sex'."

"Huh?" Okay, I admit. My stomach clenched. "Am I doing something wrong?"

"No," she giggled, ran a hand through her hair. That's a habit she got from me and I smiled as a shiny curl sprung and dropped right back into her eye. "You're doing everything right. I just thought . . . I figured I can always improve, you know."

Couldn't help but laugh at that. "Baby, our sex is great. You're great. Why don't you take some specialized culinary class, or better yet, teach one?"

"No. 'Better Sex'. I know Thursday is our day and I thought you might like to take the class with me, but it's just for women. Sorry."

Had to shake the perverted images from my head before I could respond. "It's okay, Riles." I chuckled, flipping through the folder.

"Oh it's cool stuff, John. Techniques for prolonging orgasm and expanding creative sexual fantasies. Things to help entice a partner. Stuff like that."

"Christ, Riles. You entice me when you sneeze. You really don't need any more education. But, if you wanna take a 'Better Sex' class that's fine. Have fun. And teach me everything you learn, ay."

"Thanks."

"But."

She blinked and wriggled in the chair uncomfortably. "This doesn't have anything to do with the Nat and Colin stuff, does it?"

Riley shrugged. "No. Yes. Maybe a little."

"Listen to me, Riley Biebe. That is not gonna happen to us. Not ever. I love you completely and I'll love you forever. You don't need to worry about things like that, not with us, baby."

"I wonder if Colin said that to Natalie. If Kevin said the same thing to LizBeth." It was almost a whisper.

"I don't fucking care what they said to each other. This is about us. You and me. And I intend to be with you 'til the day I die and even after that."

She giggled softly. "Locked up in the left tower, no doubt."

Took her into a hug. "I don't give a shit where we spend eternity, as long as I'm with you."

I didn't think about her class again, I didn't think she'd actually take the damn classes but she did. Life got a little strange in our bed . . . in an erotic, bizarre kinda way for a while. After her first class, she started this practice thing with me. The kind of thing where you drive each other up the fucking wall . . . but never let each other actually come. Needless to say, I broke all the rules and put my foot down. What the fuck? How long was I supposed to let that go on? Two nights of it and I dragged Riley into the linen closet on the third floor and . . . well, you can imagine. I felt better, that's for sure.

The Thursday after Thanksgiving, Riles had invited the class to be held at our suite. Fine. Nine women sat around my living room and I made myself very scarce. It was supposed to be over by four, so I tapped on the door, poked my head in.

"Is it safe?"

They all laughed and invited me in. They were chatting and I was hoping they'd leave so Riley and I could get on with our practice, if you know what I mean. I went to the kitchen, pulled a beer from the fridge and noticed the stacks of coffee cups and plates, some soiled with chocolate sauce. Fuck, I was hoping that was just dessert, but you know where the hell my head went. With a shrug, I decided to straighten things out so that Riles wouldn't have to after her guests left. I rinsed the plates and opened the dishwasher.

There on the top rack, proud as peacocks, nine wiggling, erect penises.

I blinked. There were dildos in my dishwasher. Nine of them. I closed the dishwasher door and left the suite.

KEVIN

Four days in Chicago and I knew I was fucked. Six days and I wanted to kill someone and by the end of the second week it was time to face the music. I hated the project, hated the investors, the engineer was a jackass and my wife wouldn't take my calls. Enough was enough.

I toughed it out until right after Thanksgiving then tore up the contract; walked away from two million dollars without a second thought. The only thought in my head was if I'd ever get LizBeth back. Sat at the airport for forty-eight hours until I could get a flight and lost the seat to a hardship case taking the body of her husband home for burial. When I finally reached Burlington I called LizBeth's office. Left a message on the voicemail then dialed her cell. Left the same message. The message?

"Baby, I'm home. Please talk to me."

I went to the apartment she was renting and knocked. No answer. So I did the only thing I could think of. I sat on the floor and waited.

COLIN

Wasn't so drunk I couldn't see straight, but pissed enough to focus on fuckin' strange things. Like the box of crystal Nat and I brought back from Ireland, still unpacked and sitting on the floor. Ireland. That was just before Christmas only a year ago. What the hell had changed? We had such a wonderful trip . . . or had we? I remembered the strange look on her face when I gave her that opal ring. Her apprehension until I convinced her it was just a Chrissy present; that I wasn't asking her to leave the game and marry me or anything. How many times had she looked at me that way? With that mix of suspicion and fear and sadness all at once. It took everything in me to either ignore it or try to change it, make her smile . . . and that had been getting harder and harder.

My mind got flooded with all the blues we had and how often we had them. A fucking avalanche of bad memories covered me and I started to wonder if we were ever really happy. The more I thought, the more focused I got on setting up those delicate, pretty crystal wine glasses in a neat row on the kitchen counter. Unwrapping them and linin' 'em up perfectly.

JOHN

I'd let Riley off in front of the Burlington Civic Center for her 'Better Sex' class.

"Would you like to sit in?" Her grin was contagious . . . and damn wicked too.

"After the infamous dildo dishwasher incident? I think I'll pass." I laughed and leaned in for a kiss. "Besides, I have some errands to run. I'll meet you here at four, okay?"

Checked my list, Andy needed me to stop at that specialty spices place and get things I could hardly pronounce. The office needed a case of copier paper and printer ink. There was a special order at Sysco Monna needed picked up and I was hoping to get a little Christmas gift research in while I was in town. Three weeks away and I hadn't even started to think about what to get my wife. There was a mall tucked off the Burlington inbound Rt. 89. If I got frustrated, they had a pub there too.

I'm usually an efficient kinda guy, but not four miles from the Civic Center I saw something that made everything else I was supposed to do get real unimportant real fast. I spotted a woman and couldn't take my eyes from her. She was walking into Starbucks. Short dark spiked hair with bleached tips, all wild and weird. But that wasn't the weirdest part. When she pulled the door opened, I was driving past and caught her profile. Jesus fucking Christ. It was Natalie.

It took me ten minutes and at least two illegal U-turns before I could get a parking spot. When I got into Starbucks, I looked around; sure I must have missed her. There she was. Sitting all alone in the back corner, sipping a small coffee and looking like an escapee from some refugee camp; thin and pale. She didn't notice me.

I didn't know what to do next.

RILEY

I glanced at the Civic Center then down the street. I was three blocks from Colin's house, another two from the garage. Somehow a 'Better Sex' class just didn't seem all that important. Figuring Colin was at work; I was planning to walk right past the house but noticed the kitchen light. I tapped on the door but there was no answer. Turned the knob and walked inside. At the kitchen I saw Colin. His back was to me and he had a bottle of whiskey in his hand. The place was trashed, but all of Nat's beautiful crystal stemware was sitting on the counter like little soldiers in a neat row.

"Hi," I said softly.

He turned with the lethargic movement of a drunken man and I saw his eyes.

"Oh Jesus, Colin!" I gasped and went to him, wrapped my arms around his neck wanting to comfort him. I don't think I have ever seen so much pain in a man's eyes before in my whole life.

"What do ya want?" he growled.

I sat at the table and held his limp hand. "I wanted to see if you're okay. If you need anything. God, Col. Why haven't you called?"

He slid the bottle aside and pulled my hand. Tugging me and the chair I was sitting in closer until I was in his embrace. The hug was deep and desperate, but when his mouth met mine it all became a little too desperate.

"Hey, hey," I spoke calmly. "You're drunk, Col. Come on." I finally extracted myself from his arms.

"Oh yeah, right, right. Righto. Gotta play by the fuckin' rules, right Riles?"

I wasn't going to respond to that. I knew better than to negotiate with a drunk, miserable man.

"The rules. Let's see," he slurred and rambled on and on. "Starts with 'be a good little bloke, eat your vegetables and be respectful to your mum'. Then 'do the best ya can, be honest and fair' and ya see where that got me, then? So I broke the rules a bit and got my sorry arse killed. Wake up in a whole new world with a whole new set of rules. 'You can fuck any woman ya like, mate. Long as she's part of the game.' Okay, okay. But then the rules fuckin' changed again. 'Oops, game's over. Can't fuck the married ones.'"

He stood and started to pace. "I'm sick of fuckin' playing by the rules, mate!" He shouted, glared at me. "What the fuck you doin' here? If you're not gonna give me what I need, why are ya here?"

"Maybe I should leave," I gulped hard and stood.

"Fine! You go on and fuckin' leave me too!" He swung a turn and his arm swept the crystal into the air, crashing it against the tile wall and floor in soaring shards, one slicing a nick across my cheek.

The next moment was a blur of terror that found me tight in the corner, my eyes glued to Colin, but seeing someone else. Confusion is an understatement. I'd been so safe for so long, I had completely forgotten that I could get myself into such a situation and not be able to handle it. I thought to call John, but was too scared to move a muscle.

Colin suddenly took a deep breath and blinked. "Jesus, fuckin' Christ! Jesus, Riley!" He took a step closer.

"No!" I must have thought I could melt into the paint, because there was no way I could get any deeper to the corner. "Stop!"

Tears were streaking down his face. "Riley, Oh fuck, I'm sorry. Look, you're bleeding. Oh darlin' I'm so sorry."

Slowly he came closer and closer until his lips tenderly kissed the tiny cut on my cheek, then Colin slid to his knees and wrapped his arms around my hips. I stood there for a long time, my hand in his hair as he cried, sobs shaking his body, his tears wetting my shirt.

Before I left, he handed me every bottle of whiskey in the house and helped me pour it down the drain. I tucked him into bed and he looked like a scared little boy.

"Are ya ever gonna forgive me, Riles. You're so fucking precious to me, love."

"I've already forgiven you. But you have to let us know when things get this bad," I was blinking back my own tears. "Colin, we're all here for you. And I love you, you know that don't you?"

But his eyes were drooping and I was late. It was four-ten when I left to meet John at the Civic Center parking lot.

KEVIN

By the time LizBeth got off the elevator and walked toward her door, I could hardly stand. I'd fucked up royally and I knew it. Made her feel unimportant and pushed her so far away I thought I'd never find a way back into her heart.

Her expression wasn't happy or sad. It wasn't angry. It was blank, like she didn't even know me. She stood looking down at me, not saying a single word.

"I am a total idiot," I whispered and groaned to my feet.

She unlocked the door and we went inside. Setting her keys on her counter she sat on the stool and watched me, waited. Where to start?

"I'm not what you think, baby. I know I told you things that aren't necessarily the truth. Told you I could handle your cancer, deal with things as they came but there's more to it than that."

LizBeth blinked. "There always is, Kevin. Why are you here? I was sure I'd never see you again."

That's when I realized I'd done far more damage than I thought. I sat beside her and we talked. Talked until there was nothing else to say. And I told her I wanted another chance. Whether I deserved it or not, I wanted just one more chance.

Maybe it was the fact that we were so new at being married. Maybe because we had never even had a fight yet. Maybe it was because we both wanted to try as hard as we could to make this right. God, I hope that's what it was. But we talked and we argued. We yelled and we cried. And we finally found the opening we needed, that tiny rip in the frustration where we could both climb through with a little dignity and respect and attempt to work things out.

It didn't end up in bed, but I wasn't tossed out alone. It didn't come to smiles, but the tears had subsided. In fact, it didn't end with anything; it clearly was the beginning of something. Something way different than I think either of us thought it was going to be.

We packed her things and headed back to the cottage we were renting in Stowe. There we sat up the entire night making decisions about our future . . . and the house we were building together. A house that represented more than a beautiful place for LizBeth to entertain; more than a showcase for my prospective clients. It was going to be the house where we would make our home. And it was going to be good.

It was just not going to be easy, and having faced that fact, we were armed with whatever we needed to tough it out.

JOHN

I was pretty cautious. Walked up to Natalie and just stood there until she looked up, those beautiful green eyes slowly registered recognition, like I was someone she hadn't seen in years.

"John," she sipped coffee and looked away. "What do you want?"

I sat, took a good long look at her. It was shocking. Her long silky hair all chopped and crazy. Her simple makeup now looked like some goth artist had painted it on her face. "New look?" I teased.

"Yes, John. I wanted a change. Now you've seen me you can go."

"Fuck no I can't," I leaned close and hissed. "Where the fuck have you been? We've been worried sick about you."

"Have you now?"

I blinked. "Are you okay, baby? Do you need money or anything? Where are you staying?"

Nat chuckled but it wasn't the happy kind. "I don't need anything, John. Why don't you leave?"

"Where are you staying?"

"As far away as I can get. Don't you get it? I don't want to hear anything you have to say, John. Jesus, I erase no less than fifteen voice mail messages from all of you every single stinking day. What does it take to get away from this family?"

"What the hell are you talking about? We just want to make sure you're okay."

"No you don't," she stood. "You want me to go back to Colin and I will not! Why don't you go comfort him? He's your family . . . not me!"

I grasped her wrist before she could run away. "Natalie, I could give a fuck less if you two get back together or not. I just wanna know you're all right. God sakes, woman. You know how much you mean to me. Tell me where you're staying?"

She jerked her wrist free. "Leave . . . me . . . alone!"

Caught her hand again, but she swung the other one, rocked my ass with one hell of a slap that made my eye sting, but I held on, crushing her fingers. "I am fucking worried about you," I hissed, ignoring everyone looking at us.

I really thought I'd gotten through to her, she seemed to calm, that wild look in her eyes softened. I pulled my wallet and took all the cash out, about three hundred, and stuck it into her pocket. She didn't smile, she didn't sit. She just looked at me.

"I'll take this because I need it. But I will pay you back, John. Now, please. I'm begging you. Leave me alone."

I squeezed her hand tighter. "On one condition. You take my fucking calls."

Silence.

"I'm warning you, Natalie. You don't talk to me when I call, I'm fucking tracking you down. Just . . . just fucking talk to me. Just so I know you're okay. Please, Nat."

Finally she nodded and I watched her walk out the door and down the street.

RILEY

The Jeep was in the parking lot when I got there. When I climbed in, John didn't look at me or say a word for a long time. We just sat, staring out the windshield at the falling snow. Finally I turned.

"I didn't go to the stupid class. I went to check on Colin. He's not doing so good."

John turned to me. He didn't ask about the small Bandaid on my cheekbone, and didn't ask about the flaming red hand mark on his cheek.

"Natalie's not doing so good either."

We talked about what we saw and what we thought. We speculated about how to help them but finally accepted that we needed to just be there when they needed us. And as John hit the highway heading back to Stowe, I told him I thought that Colin would be okay, that it was just going to take a while.

"Yeah?" Grunted my husband. "Well Nat's not gonna be okay, Riles. She's a fucking time bomb ready to go off. Mark my words."